Close your eyes and click your heels three times and repeat after me…

I will go to Sundance…

I will go to Sundance…

I will go to Sundance…

I will go to Sundance…

And if anyone knows how I can get my hands on this Wizard dood, please let me know. I think I’m going to need all his magickery to pull this off.

I spent a few hours browsing through some film financing literature that my friend Cat Fobi got for me at the LA Film Festival’s Financing Conference in 2007. I paid $150 for the ticket and then forgot all about the event. She was kind enough to grab a second set of handouts for me. It’s almost an inch thick.

So there I am, sitting at my kitchen table reading this info. First thing I notice is that 80% of the website addresses listed in the paperwork are now defunct, or at least the financing component of the website is defunct. WTF? After only one year? There are even some pages on the IFC website that haven’t been updated since 2005. Then I look at the speakers and the list of their credits. All cool there. I look at what they mention as projects in development. Cool. I jump to IMDB and…um…yeah…where are those projects? They should have been developed and produced by now, right? Or at the very least, listed on IMDB as being in pre-production, right?  Not so.

So by now there is this black cloud slowly forming over my head. I feel as though it’s about to rain indoors. I think to myself, “Self, is it too much to ask that a speaker at a festival as big as the LA Film festival finishes his project, you know the one he bragged about at the festival to make himself look and feel important?”

Okay, I’m being a smart ass. I’ll get to the point.

I arrive at the chapter labeled FINANCING in big, bold capital letters. I read all the caveats about self financing, financing, investor financing and I’m waiting to get to the punchline: how to muthafrickin finance my film! I don’t need them to lay it out for me. Just point me in the right direction (like say, a website address that actually works!). And then, thar she bloooows; I got it from there!

Okay, you ready for this? Hold on tight, I’m about to take you for a helluva ride in Tinseltown Finance 101. Ready? Get set. Here we go…

Equity Financing — a hard cash investment by a company, individual or other entity, usually for the purpose of obtaining credit, profit points or both.

Domestic Production/Distribution Deal — usually called a P-D Deal; money paid covers 40%-60% of your budget plus prints and advertising (P&A)

Foreign Presales — the  sale of distribution rights to the film on a territory by territory basis before you’ve actually made the film. Generally requires the assistance of a foreign sales agent

Gap Financing — financing the gap between what money you do have and what money you need to complete the budget. Interest on the loan is paid until all the money is paid back.

Credit Cards — a last resort (really? wish someone had told me that sooner!)

Beg, Borrow, Steal — um, yeah, if I could actually steal or borrow enough money from my friends and family to finance a freakin’ major motion picture I wouldn’t have all this credit card debt!

Deferral Agreements — cast/crew works for free or for below standard daily rates in exchange for an agreement to pay the difference plus a premium if the picture sells.

Completion Funds – the money you need to complete your film in post after you’ve spent all the money you had to make your film (ugh!)

Said the little bird to the little lamb: do you see what I seeeee? Yeah, you do. Please, someone tell me where the heck is that Wizard again because he needs to get me back to Kansas (aka Sundance) so I can sell my friggin film and become a studio director. That’s right, a studio director. I don’t want to deal with this financing crap. After I make The Wall, I’m done with any kind of financing. My agent (when I get one) is going to have to find interim work for me as I pitch my projects to studios and let them worry about the money. Now you know why Michael Bay makes $150 million films — because he doesn’t have to finance them! The studios put up the cash,  he gets paid for directing and on the backend, and he has fun making his films!

I wanna be like Michael Bay. Or Michael Mann. Or any other Michael who doesn’t have to worry about gap financing or foreign presales.

That’s why the Wizard, The Universe, God, Jehovah, somebody must open the doorway to Sundance for me. I have it all planned out. In fact, tonight I’m writing and saving a draft of the announcement letter I plan to send after I get…the call.

Hello Broken Hearts Club cast, crew and friends,

Guess what? We got in. Broken Hearts Club is going to Sundance. I just got off the phone with one of the festival programmers. After years of hard work we did it. We beat the odds and we’re gonna party like it’s 2099 in Park City!! Get your Timberlands, Shearling coats and your Ugg boots ready.

Angelo

ps…feel free to invite me out for a congratulatory drink…on YOU of course

Yup. Those are the words. Wizard? Are you listening? I’ll do what I have to do. I’ll turn up the heat, work overtime and kick over every rock. You just do your job and remember—

My wish is your command.