Notorious

“Notorious”

Someday that word may be used to describe me to the masses — but right now it’s a word only the closer of the closest people I know may use when discussing me, my life and my exploits.

I’m sitting here finishing a second glass of white Merlot, feeling a tad buzzy, and contemplating exactly how much of me I’ll divulge in this blog and how much of my future plans I’ll discuss. Tomorrow is December 31st, 2008. In less than 36 hours a new year will begin and I, like many others, will be faced with the question: what next?

I’m straddling the fence on a couple of filmmaking issues. I was watching a movie — I won’t say which movie — and was suddenly overwhelmed with fear. Fear of filmmaking. I quietly stepped outside, lit a Kool  and thought, Making a film is hard work. You’ve only done it at the micro-budget level, Angelo–scrambling by the seat of your pants. Do you really want to have millions of dollars of OPM at stake when you make another film?

It was an honest question. In fact, I remember the movie I was watching. (I use the term movie instead of film because it was a popcorn flick) I remember calculating how much time, energy, planning and scheduling when into the first 5-minute sequence. The results I came up with were staggering. It had to take a week (at least) to shoot the film’s opening sequence. A week. That week equals about 2-3 months of planning and coordination. Wow. Have I really thought about what I’m getting myself mixed up in?

The feeling didn’t last long–I never allow feelings of doubt to last for long. I have enough working against me, I don’t need to add to the list. I realized that I was operating in a different league. My mentality is one of guerrilla filmmaking, which means I can turn out as many films as I can write within any given year. In the real world, filmmaker (directors) make films every one or two years. That was the difference. From that difference sprung the  problem. However, it was important to identify the root of the problem. I did. I was in a rut.

The only way to break a rut is to blast through it, without fear of failure or consequence. And now that I’ve renamed this blog The Psychology of Independent Filmmaking I can add a new dimension of insight to what I write. Now I can discuss, ad nauseum, the emotional elements of indie filmmaking. 

Everything in a filmmaker’s life has an affect on his/her ability to make films. Everything. My life has been topsy turvy for the last 2 1/2 years, but it’s finally settling down. Part of that settlement is the mutual agreement my wife and I have recently came to, to fix what was broken.  We are proceeding lovingly. And that’s because my wife is one of the greatest people I’ve met in my life. She’s been with me and hung in there with me through thick and thin; through each career diversion and distraction she’s always believed in me. When I stopped writing to sell life insurance and mutual funds, she was there. When I resigned myself to working my way up the corporate ladder in the world of Information Technology instead of filmmaking, she was there.  When I ultimately got back in the saddle and went on a furious filmmaking spree (ten films in 2 years) she was there, holding down the fort. She’s a remarkable woman who’s blessed me with four gorgeous obedient children. Whatever success I ultimately achieve is due, in no small part, to her love and support. Kathy is a remarkable woman.

Sometimes going after one’s dreams so fervently has consequences.  Indie filmmakers must be smart, especially when they have a family. We are bombarded with all sorts of distractions,  temptations, thoughts, feelings, obligations, situations, emergencies and occasions that demand our attention. There’s always a fire to be extinguished, which often takes precedence over a relationship that needs nurturing. After a while, when the house of tenuous cards collapses we find ourselves saying, If I only knew then what I know now. 

I’ve also learned that hate is a powerful motivator. For sure, we should never totally hate anyone, but occasionally giving in to mental moments of sheer loathing often soothe issues of disappointment and heartbreak. Allowing a “fuck ‘em” to escape from your lips is okay every now and then

In light of the above I’ve had to reconsider my plans for 2009, escalating some, forcing others back into slow deliberation. I’ve completely removed the “never” from my vocabulary when discussing short films. You guessed it — I plan to make a few shorts next year! I plan to rebuild my team and focus my attention on films that touch the heart, spirit and mind — while still entertaining.

I also plan on reacquainting myself with physical exercise and better eating habits. I want to assemble the parts of my book, The Psychology of Independent Filmmaking as well as another book I’d like to write. Then there are scripts. Lots and lots of scripts. I plan to take my children out to the park and/or bicycling much more, read to them more (or make them read) and to be great friends with Kathy. I cannot imagine being otherwise. I plant o spend more time with my friends, get back to NY more often to see my family.

I’m not so hopped up on getting accepted to film festivals anymore. If it happens, great. If not, I’m working on both self distribution and licensing. Of course this means I’ll finish the the final edits for The Broken Hearts Club very soon, which means anyone reading this should make sure to get a copy of the original version asap. It’s going to be worth $$ someday